Czarina Ali

I spent a lot of time with Mike in the past 24 hours. We had a lot we had to talk about. We had a lot we had to deal with. We finally reconnected just in time to say goodbye. We really talked and really expressed the way we felt and it made it hurt a lot more than it has but it also made me a lot happier. I didn't miss him before but I also had trouble believing in love. He has so fundamentally shaped the person that I am that I cannot just brush off the 2.5-3 years that I was his. He gave me all the confidence that I possess and all the clarity I've ever had. Really. Life before him was like trying to find my way through a maze in the fog. I know who I am because of him and I know what I want. I really thought so very little of myself before him and he just came into my life and started finding all these things that he liked about me and when he told me I started to notice the patterns in my life. I had always acted without taking my actions into consideration and when he laid my past out for me I saw that without meaning to I've done a lot of good and much less bad than I'd expected. He made me accept myself for who I am and he made me happy about it. I embrace my mistakes because of him and live without regret. It really is just completely amazing that he came into my life and gave me all of these things that I really needed without me even knowing that I needed them. I am happier knowing that it was more real than fake and that he just really fucked up. I have to move on but it's easier to face life knowing that I had somebody who really completely loved me once even if it was too short-lived. But now, hearing him say that he wishes he was mine hurts a lot more than it did before. I hate that. I want him to go back in time and learn to appreciate me earlier. But he hasn't learned his lesson. If I stayed with him he would cheat on me again... eventually. That hurts more than anything probably. He would do this to me again. I would really enjoy love without this much pain. That would be nice. I know they kind of go hand in hand. But I want to find somebody who appreciates me for the person that I am, the way that Mike did (and nobody else ever has), while also appreciating me as a girlfriend... which Mike was not always very good at. I just want to find somebody who really gets me and wants to make me happy. But for now... I really want guys to stop hitting on me for a little bit. I don't know. Maybe I don't want that. I think I want that but I can't be sure. Maybe I would just get lonely. Maybe I would just be bitter. I don't know what I want. I'm a little bit lost. But I think I'm doing ok regardless. Peace. Love.

I brought it back to life but did it prematurely. I didn't completely kill it first. It takes away from the amazement.

Happy birthday Holben.